Alright, time for me to own up. My last article may have been a little light on the news thing, and as a real journalist I can’t stand for that (and will place most of the blame on Mr. Greg Orwen). So I’m going to put on my hard-hitting investigative journalist fedora and examine what’s really going on in the world. And boy did I pick a good week because there is a lot going on, which is a relief, because I was worried that all I would have to publish was my 100,000 word essay on what is actually going on in LOST (let’s just say that Bob Newhart wakes up and it was all a dream).

Obama has come out with his new budget, which figures in a 1.6 trillion dollar deficit, one of the biggest in American history (and a rough estimate of what I have in offshore accounts. Want proof? Sorry I can’t provide that, offshore accounts don’t let you do that). But the really worrisome aspect of this budget is not the 1.6 trillion dollar deficit, no the real worrisome thing is that Obama has now removed all the current funding to NASA’s planned mission to return man to the moon. I knew those weather scientists would ruin it for all of us. The second they proved global warming wasn’t an issue they went and destroyed my dreams of ever living on the moon.

What’s next Obama? Are you going to tell me that Santa Claus isn’t real? I thought it was “Yes We Can,” not “Yes We Can, unless what you want is to live on the moon, then No We Can’t, because we owe a bunch of people a lot of money and won’t be able to pay that off for another 20 years at least”. Doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?

In other about-time news, some of the United States top defense ministers are vying to abolish the 16 year old “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” law (which, apparently, doesn’t apply when my girlfriend wants to know why I didn’t call last night). The orders come straight from the man himself, Obama, who is a strong supporter of civil rights. And in my journalistic opinion this is great news, because I for one believe that who you love in no way affects your ability to go out and fight for your country to protect everyone’s civil rights.

In completely unrelated news, Proposition 8 is still in effect, and there are still only five states in the Union that allow same sex marriages.

And finally, Harps, who as we all know, has the utmost respect for the rules of Parliament (and will undoubtedly make this clear once parliament returns in March, after his completely necessary proroguing), could be held in contempt of Parliament. It seems Harps is withholding some uncensored documents pertaining to the handling of Afghani detainees that is currently being investigated by a Parliamentary committee. What Parliament needs to remember is that this is specifically why Harps prorogued you; he didn’t want to be bothered about this (because, you know, it’s making him look bad).

So calm down, let this whole Olympics thing finish up, then Harps will work through the new Economic Plan. Then it will be time for spring break so he’ll prorogue Parliament again (or at least move it to Cancun!), and then he’ll get around to releasing papers outlining the torture of Afghani detainees (that is unless it’s time to force another election).

Remember, we’re in Canada guys, we work at a different pace around here. Now, pass the remote, I have some Curling to PVR.

Nathaniel is a twenty-three year old kid who spends too much time thinking about the state of the world, and even more time trying to make it funny. He currently resides in Vancouver, where he works in the film industry and wishes he lived closer to the beach.

Opinions expressed in this column will usually be those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of The Shingle.