I’ve been feeling a little confused for some time now. First they tell me that the polar ice caps are melting (which got me all excited because I’d finally get to live in a beach-front home), and then they go and tell me that scientists just made the whole thing up (if I remember my own reporting correctly, as an excuse to beat people up). I just didn’t know what to believe. But, thankfully, the United Nations (the only organization who knows as much about the world as I do) decided to hold a conference on climate change in Copenhagen, Denmark, at which it was decided I still need to worry about floating away (but this must mean the planned 2020 moon base is still on).

However, our fine Prime Minister (who apparently believes everything he reads on the internet, even vaguely worded e-mails) had wanted nothing to do with a conference on climate change, and therefore was all geared up to not attend. That was until he was thrown for a loop when Obama (who unlike his predecessor, Bush, has seen a map and knows where Copenhagen is) decided to make an appearance at the conference himself. So Harps, who evidently has to do everything Obama does, was forced to attend the conference and try to pretend he wasn’t completely bored (I suggested a pair of those glasses that have open eyes painted on them, they work magic).

Luckily the Conservative government has its own, very firm, stance on global warming; they do whatever the US wants done. Which was working out pretty good for them while Bush was in power, because cowboys like Harps and Bush share a common disinterest in anything to do with global warming (but share a common interest in wearing outfits completely made of denim). But since Obama was elected, and realized that he has to stick to at least one of the promises made during his campaign, Harps now has to change his stance on the whole world coming to a hot, fiery, end.

Unfortunately Canada has a big problem when it comes to the whole emissions thing. You see, the main energy-producing provinces in our country happen to be Alberta and Saskatchewan, who happen to produce oil from the tar sands. Producing oil from the tar sands happens to create a whole tonne of pollution (like even more than if you were just destroying the world drilling for it). So obviously Alberta and Saskatchewan want to avoid the high reductions that are be targeted.

This would be all fine and dandy if it weren’t for two things. Thing one: Any regulations would have to pass through parliament (which contrary to what Harps thinks does have to come back into session at some point). And thing two: The Bloc, who boast Quebec’s production of clean hydro-energy, thinks that the Conservative government is selling out on their environmental policy by not holding Alberta and Saskatchewan to the same standards as the other provinces. And therefore they will try and oppose anything that doesn’t match the high standards that are being pushed for in the European Union.

So Harps is stuck between a French rock and the richest provinces in the country (and I guess a President who has to stick to a campaign promise or two). Which, unfortunately, leaves him with only one of two options. Either he spends the next couple months creating a comprehensive stance on global warming and emission reductions, which will pass through parliament, or he figures out if it is possible for him to prorogue the UN (let’s just say he’s banking on the latter). And I’m left watching Waterworld on repeat just in case we’re all just a little too late.

Nathaniel is a twenty-three year old kid who spends too much time thinking about the state of the world, and even more time trying to make it funny. He currently resides in Vancouver, where he works in the film industry and wishes he lived closer to the beach.

Opinions expressed in this column will usually be those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of The Shingle.