All right, the truth is my last two articles were kind of fluff pieces (Arab Springs? Get it together Natty); I’m man enough to admit that. You see, that’s the sign of a true reporter; they can retrospectively see that what they’ve written was junk (while in the moment thinking it was amazing hard hitting news – kind of like this article… straight up hard hitting news, from the gonads). So, in an attempt to make up for that fluff I forced upon you before, I’ll throw at you some real news. That’s right, you got it, the royal couple’s visiting Canada.
Stop the presses, say what?!
Now, restart the presses so the people can read about this news! (We’re a newspaper, Chris; we need to print the news!)
Well some of you might not think that having the royal couple come and visit Canada is big news, but this isn’t just two obscenely rich people (who may or may not leach off the tax dollars of hard working citizens, while they fly around the world celebrating a marriage that has little to no significance beyond the fact that they’re just obscenely rich people who got married), this is our future King and Queen here, people. That’s right, the future leader of our country coming here! Long live the King!
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “what about that other guy, the Queen’s actual son, shouldn’t he be next in line to be King”? Don’t be stupid guys; he lost that right when he married a commoner. But not William, because he married a … oh … never mind. The Queen obviously just likes him more.
But why is the King’s visit here so important? Why make such a big deal about it? Because William is the guy that has the actual ability to change this country, he can do what we can’t. So move over Bridgette DePape, because I believe that once William sets down in Canada, realises that it’s being run by a Prime Minister who not only isn’t supported by sixty per cent of his country, but is the only Prime Minister in the history of the country to be held in contempt of Parliament, he will invoke his powers as King and just take Harps out of power. Because, you see, he can do that. That’s right, as King of Canada, William can just kick any Prime Minister out of power, pretty awesome huh?
And to top it all off, there’s obviously going to be some kickass parties going down in every town the royal couple visits. And since I’m a prominent Canadian investigative reporter, I’m sure that I’ll be invited to at least one of those parties (and the royal family has a reputation of throwing kickass parties, all, of course, funded by the tax payers. Which makes the parties that much better, because an open bar isn’t an open bar unless it’s funded by taxpayers and builds on a national debt – I plan on drinking one trillion dollars worth).
This visit is going to be one of the most significant things to happen to Canada in a long time. It will help reaffirm our bond with the motherland a mere 144 years after we were declared a separate dominion, which should have meant the royal family had no significance to us as a people, and therefore wouldn’t need to visit us when they get married.
But hey, they’re the royal frigging family, and have far more power over our politics than we realise. And they dress like the Beatles did during their whole Sergeant Pepper phase.
Nathaniel is now twenty-four and believes he has matured in leaps and bounds. He still lives in Vancouver, and still thinks he knows stuff about things. He has somehow gotten less funny, but more successful. All said, some day you’ll regret not sleeping with him.
Opinions expressed in this column will usually be those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of the Shingle.
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