Can I call you Mr. Obama? I’d call you President Obama, but I truly don’t think a President could let a country hit such a low point in its history. I mean, seriously man, this is just getting worse and worse. I know you ran on a campaign of change, but this? Getting rid of the space program?! Are you kidding me? I thought you were better than this, Obama. I’d say I’d have expected something like this from Bush, but then again, Bush was probably just dumb-founded by the fact that people could even go to space, so he’d keep the program just out of amazement. I feel let down by you, Obama, and here’s why.
First of all, what are kids suppose to dream of growing up to be? President? No kid who is smart enough to have become an astronaut is dumb enough to want to lead your country – especially with it in the state that it’s in. On the brink of bankruptcy, with a political system that is even more polarised than before. A country that is fighting more wars than anyone can even remember, and where its senators can’t tell if that’s their semi-erect penis in a Twitter picture. I don’t know about you Obama, but even I’m smart enough to know that I don’t want to run the country. But I do want to go to space, because space is friggin’ awesome!
Let me tell you what’s so awesome about space, Obama. Everything. That’s right, there is absolutely nothing that’s not amazing about space. You want to know why? Because we know almost nothing about space, therefore it’s always something new and awesome we’re learning every time we go there.
Listen, I like Earth just fine, but there’s nothing cool left on Earth to discover. Sure, you can claim that scientist are still discovering new animals and stuff, but it’s always just another breed of some pre-existing animal (how many different sorts of monkeys can there really be)?
There’s absolutely nothing on Earth that we can discover that would be as cool as the day we discover aliens in space. Unless, of course, we discover aliens on Earth, but at that point it’s too late for us.
But here’s where it really hurts, Obama, here’s where you getting rid of the space program has really screwed us as a civilisation. We are still living on a doomed planet. Earth is still going to be uninhabitable sooner than we’d like (which is ever), and you cutting the space program has essentially killed what was to be the planned 2020 Moon base.
Obama, I, and other prominent humans, we’re really banking on that Moon base. I’d already begun the process of converting all Earth money to Moon currency (the Moon base’s economy would have been based on a barter system consisting of people trading high-quality air in return for services). What am I supposed to do with twelve-thousand air tanks? I’m not scuba-diving, that’s for sure.
And what are we supposed to do, come 2021, when Earth is completely uninhabitable, and we have nowhere to go because you didn’t think space was cool?
I don’t know, Obama, I feel like I’ve forgiven you a lot when it comes to your promises. Health care isn’t really what you promised. Your economy is in the gutter. Instead of bringing troops home, you’re sending more troops over.
I’ve forgiven all these digressions, because running a country can be hard, and sometimes you make promises you can’t keep. But cutting the space program is the final straw, Obama, and something I can’t forgive.
I mean, what am I suppose to tell girls I am when I’m trying to pick them up at the bar – a cosmonaut?
Girls don’t like Russians, Obama … no one likes Russians.
Nathaniel is now twenty-four and believes he has matured in leaps and bounds. He still lives in Vancouver, and still thinks he knows stuff about things. He has somehow gotten less funny, but more successful. All said, some day you’ll regret not sleeping with him.
Opinions expressed in this column will usually be those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of The Shingle which thinks Russians are just fine.
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